Archive for the ‘Sh*t that derails the process’ Category

h1

You know you may be too far gone when…

June 30, 2009

Ok, so I know I’m a bit Judgy McJudgerson of Twi-sessions (mostly my own) but I can’t help escape the feeling that any day now the guys in white suits are going to roll up in front of my house for me. And I will not even question it.

 This blog actually started out as a way to document the end of my Twilight Obsession. And now I am claiming it’s an outlet for my Twi-session (To the hubs. Who is officially suspicious that the obsession is going nowhere.) But I think at times, it actually propels me further into batsh*t crazy territory.

 Case in point – I went to a 90 min seminar today and spent the entire time thinking about this:

So flippin' distractin

So flippin' distracting

More specifically this:

this!

Thinking about my hand on it. Thinking about how that could morph into some version of Chapter 23 in I Love LA. Thinking about how I could get the hubs to act out that chapter at home. Thinking I will have to start keeping extra panties in my drawer at work now.

 

 Exhibit 2 – My daughter, who mind you is not even officially a toddler yet, sees me looking at Rob pictures online the other day, points to one and yells “Daddy!!!” No honey, thank god. The hubs is actually a great daddy and I certainly wouldn’t trade him in for Rob. But I wouldn’t mind trying to make babies with Rob.

 

Exhibit 3 – I am constantly trying to identify other Twi-hards

are you a twi-hard

I’m like an undercover Twi-detective with really bad Twi-dar because I never actually find any in real life.

I went to a family reunion this weekend and zoned out thinking which one of my aunts or cousins could possibly be into it. I kept waiting for someone to bring it up, but the only good topic was The Hangover.

I am going to the NKOTB concert tomorrow night (Hello! MILFCon!) I wonder if Donnie was the inspiration for Edward's hair? and think there will have to be some fellow Twi-hards there. You think my high school girlfriends would be pissed if I ditch them for some new friends? I mean I did ask if they have yet read Twilight and there wasn’t much interest.

 

Exhibit 4 – I am avoiding people.

The other day I walked up to the flavia machine at work and instead of getting my cup of coffee, I set it down and headed to the ladies room. Why? Because the guy who was already there is a total chatter box. And his 30 min of chitty chatting about his son and how he can read and play hockey (ad nasuem) really hinders my morning google reader session of all my favorite Twi-blogs.

Also? Instead of going out for a bite with some girlfriends the other night, I went to see The Proposal. Alone. In the hopes of seeing the New Moon preview. Epic fail on my part. No New Moon trailer. And besides the slight eye candy that is Ryan Reynolds – not much of a movie.

 

Exhibit 5 – I can relate to at least 99 of the 100 Twitarded ways Twilight has changed my life .

This, though? This I am proud of! Because there are a ton of other Twi-hards (or should I call us Twi-tards?) that are totally crazy, obsessed, whateveryouwannacallit about Twilight so even if that van pulls up for me, I know there will be some fellow Twi-hard/tards in there already. 

And being in the nut house will give me so much more time to devote to my Twi-session. Booyah!

Advertisements
h1

Stalker following your boyfriend? Get Jacob Black on the case.

June 25, 2009

So, you may be thinking that I was a little too hard on Jacob on my last post. Maybe I was, but singing his praises is for another post. In fact, I have  bit more to get off my chest about Jacob and how he defines EPIC FAIL.

 

epic fail 1Chastity ring

First, he falls in love with a virgin who has basically made a chastity pledge. Then he gets blatently used by her as the platonic rebound for his bike fixin’ skillz but he is so blinded by her ordinary looks, raggedy sweatpants and puffy eyes that he can’t see it. Then he gets cockteased by her incessantly. I mean I know that I totally hold my guy friends hand and cuddle with them and then say I just want to be friends. You too, right?

And then what about this? He is always hot and sweaty. Normally I would love this in a guy: HUGE and hot and sweaty. I mean what girl would be turned off by that? But then, I think about his wig in New Moon. And how he smells like a (wet) dog. So he’s stinky and not in that good English boy who likes to have a couple of Heineys and cigges kind of way.

And he eats a lot and fast. Scarfs it down. Shovels it in. You know what that means, right? Gas. Stinky dog gas. He probably gives Bella a dutch oven or two when they are cuddling under the covers fully clothed while studying.

And then there’s this. Jacob = biggest cockblock of all time. Yeah, you heard me right. Bigger than Officers Slater and Michaels cockblocking McLovin’. 

mclovin

In fact, he’s the kind of cockblock that a guy’d pick for his wingman and then he’d ask him if that case of the crabs cleared up while he then tries to move in to hit on his lady. I’m surprised he didn’t try to mark Bella by peeing on her when he danced with her at the wedding just so Edward would be so disgusted by the smell of it he wouldn’t do the deed. Think about it. He’s so blueballed about the whole Bella thing that he completely derails Edward and Bella every chance he gets. WTF is up with that?

Ok, maybe now I’ve been too hard on Jacob. That’s what she said.

 Let me make it up to Taylor, though?

 

Taylor Lautner - New Moon wig + steroids = Jailbait hotness

Taylor Lautner - New Moon wig + steroids = Jailbait hotness

h1

Coming to terms

June 23, 2009

In my real life (you know, the one that doesn’t even acknowledge Twilight exists, Rob Pattinson is unheard of and the Cullen coven is the figment of Stephenie Meyers fantastic imagination) there is very little opportunity for me to discuss Twilight/Rob. I have a parallel life to the Twilight one and it includes mundane things that have been ignored since I met Edward.

When he and I first met, it was at a girl’s night and he was being portrayed by some guy I couldn’t name. Little did I expect that the Twilight spell would be cast on me and only me. Even the friend who brought the movie over was not much more than vaguely interested when I mentioned I read the books the following week. What is a newbie Twi-hard to do?

I mean, as I may have mentioned, I am no tween. I dare say I’m no longer in my twenties (unless thirty is still the new twenty, right?). So, it’s not like I could just go hang out in Hot Topic trying to meet some fellow fans there (and to be honest, I doubt I would’ve been so bold  as to stand at the Twilight perfume section of the store just waiting for someone else in a Twilight tee-shirt to walk up. Even at the height of my tween awkwardness).

At one point, I did try to commiserate with my 10 year old neice, who is more of a blip on the Twi-dar (she’s read Twilight and seen the movie but couldn’t get into New Moon). In fact, when we were at the pool on Saturday I asked her if she knew who’s birthday it was. When she said, “Who?” I replied, “Edward Mason Cullen” and she rolled her eyes into the back of her head. I thought she was going into a convulsion being ZOMG, really? But no, her eyes came right back down and she kind of laughed at me in that, you are my crazy aunt, right? kind of way.

K, so clearly no support of my Twi-session.

Thankfully, this girls got mad internet skillz (i.e. I typed Twilight into google/imdb.com and hit enter) and thank god there are so many fans out there that are not tweens, which makes a thirtysomething girl feel much less alone in the world. I mean thank god for that or maybe I would be a batsh*t crazy fan who talked to Rob’s voice in my head and called him Edward.

But, wait a second. What if I was BSC? How would that roll?

Me: Are you there Edward? It’s me SaritaPagita. I am having a hard time concentrating on much more than my Twi-session. I mean it’s great fun, but I feel guilty about it. What should I do?

Edward (in Rob’s voice): I think I should leave as I am causing you pain. I can see that I am too dangerous for you. It will be as if I never existed.

Me: WTF? No, Edward, wha? No, you can’t, you won’t…

Edward: There, there.

Sha, right. Nice try. If only it were so easy to break the addiction. I keep trying. I unsubscribe to my fave blogs in google reader. I un-follow my fave fans on twitter. I put the books away, I say I’m not going to watch the movie.

And then about 5 minutes later, my skin starts crawling. I break out into a sweat. And I say, ok, one little peak won’t kill me. And I check a site for new pics. And holy mother of god, there they are. Fresh out of the oven. Steamy hot pics of Rob that have me derailed again.

rob 062209-1

Maybe some day, I’ll just give into this. It’ll save me the 10 minutes of agony every other day and embrace my love of Rob-light.

h1

Calling all the crazies

June 16, 2009

 Since you don’t seem to know who you are – let me just break it down for you. This applies to all the batsh*t crazy fans who may think that Rob is Edward Cullen. Who think that if you tackle him on the set of his current movie, he is going to stop and ask you for your number. WTF? Seriously?

 

Yes, crazy fangirls, this represents your level of crazy

Yes, crazy fangirls, this represents your level of crazy

I mean I can totally accept this behavior in 14 year olds. I was there once – with NKOTB. In fact I toured around Missouri with my 5 closest friends and one mom in a Civic one summer following them from six flags, to the state fair, back to six flags. We stood out in the rain and heat for 12+ hours to get a good seat so they would see us. Because we knew that as soon as they saw us it would be love at first sight for them. See the crazy? So I totally get it if you’re 14. 

On the other hand, if you are over 16, you should know better. You want to push him into hiding like Johnny Depp? He seems to already have tendencies for being a loner and staying out of the spotlight. Going on a crazy fangirl rampage isn’t doing anyone any good. Oh sure, you’ll have your stories to go back and tell. And then that’s it. It’ll be your claim to fame. Forever.

These beotches are at the pinnacle of their lives. It's all downhill from here.

These beotches are at the pinnacle of their lives. It's all downhill from here.

 Don’t get me wrong, all of us Twi lovers are a little crazy in our own Twi-loving way. You can’t be obsessed with something and not be a little crazy for it. However, there are acceptable levels of  interest and there are batsh*t levels of crazy. Not sure where you reside? Let me break it down for you so you can judge yourself based on the highest level that applies to you:

Level 1 – Seems normal to me

 You don’t even register on the Twidar. You may be reading a book in the series and maybe have been having issues with focusing on other things. But at the end of the series you put it down and move on to something else. Like Harry Potter or Percy Jackson and The Olympians Series. You may even see the movie on DVD. But the key here is that you walk away. I know many a girl like you and I almost wish I could be like you. Those of you at this level aren’t ‘not crazy’. You save the crazy for your brand of heroin. Unfortunately for me, Twilight is my own personal brand of heroin.

There is a serious jump in my book for anyone beyond level 1. Those in level 1 probably won’t get the rest of this, so you can go back to looking a pictures of Daniel Radcliffe shirtless.

I'm just not seeing it.

I'm just not seeing it.

 Level 2 – Slight addict

 You’ve read the series more that once. You’ve seen the movie multiple times. You read the Twi news and blogs daily. But the key here is that this is where it ends. You have other hobbies in your life. You watch other movies. Your youtube and google searches and rss feeds do not center around Twi-news.

 

This picture may make you hot, but you were not caught licking your computer screen at work when seeing it for the first time.

This picture may make you hot, but you were not caught licking your computer screen at work when seeing it for the first time.

Level 3 – Pleasantly eccentric

 You have the Edward doll. You take pictures with him. You may even take videos with said Edward doll. It’s all in good fun and no one is getting hurt.

 

Noooo! Edward that's my cat, not a mountain lion!

Noooo! Edward that's my cat, not a mountain lion!

Level 4 – Drunk on Rob’s scent

You have a blog dedicated to something Twilight. You update it frequently. You check the hits and the comments daily.

 Has anyone told you that you need to simmer down on the Twi obsession? No? I guess the only person who knows of my love of Twi/Rob isn’t as supportive as yours.

 This is clearly the line I am drawing in the sand and I stand on the more sane side of it. I have not yet graduate past this point. I am teetering on the edge but holding strong thanks to the eyeopening shenanigans of you know who.

Level 5 – Frothing at the mouth

 You’ve made a video slideshow to a your own song. 

You’ve made your own Twilight/Pattinson gear that you wear in public. You make fan art and it may or may not be good.

Is the handmade Twilight purse really necessary with the tee shirt?

Is the handmade Twilight purse really necessary with the tee shirt?

Your grasp on reality has weakened. What once was a fun hobby turned slightly unhealthy obsession has now taken a nose dive into bird sh*t crazy land. This level is a gateway drug to level 7.

 

Level 6 – Talking back to Rob’s voice in your head

 You think Rob is Edward Cullen. Or is like him. Or that Edward Cullen and you will someday meet/get married/have vampy babes. (sh*t ain’t going to happen peeps)

 edward cullen 1

This brings us to the summit of loony. Beyond wacko, past cuckoo for cocoa puffs. To the mother-load of unhinged obsession.

Level 7 – Batsh*t crazy.

 

The worst part about this is that he is being such a nice guy and smiling through it all.

The worst part about this is that he is being such a nice guy and smiling through it all.

You’ve attacked him. In the streets of NYC. Wearing your handmade Twilight paraphernalia. And took a picture of it. With your camera phone that has Rob/Edward as the wallpaper. To later post in a slideshow video to the song you wrote about Rob/Edward. On your blog dedicated to Twilight.

You are screwing it up for the rest of us. Those of us who want to drool at pics of him as he walks down the street. Playing the air guitar and smokes ciggys. We won’t get any more smiling pics of Rob with you hysterial sluts.

All I can say is back off. I think Zac Efron is missing a few fans and could really use you right about now.

h1

It’s bound to happen…

June 3, 2009
So, of course now that I have made the whole ‘quitting my Twilight obsession’ official by starting this blog, Rob shows up in my dreams (I decided it’s Rob and not Edward because Edward is a fictional character and it’s less likely for this dream to come true if it’s with someone who doesn’t exist in the real world. Totally rationale, right?).
In the almost three months that everything Twilight has taken over my life, it has not entered my dreams even once.
It’s like Rob is pleading with me and saying “Don’t leave this world of obsessed fans. You are a good one. You don’t set stalk, you don’t create pants with iron on pictures of me on them, you don’t get tattoos of a fictional character in hopes that another fictional character will fall in love with you.” And you know what, Rob? You are right!

But I digress…the dreamy dream. Rob was in my basement in an old sweater from the 80s and I was unabashedly loving on him. He needed to borrow a jacket because it was cold outside and while I went to get him a fleece, dude put on my white and very expensive trench. I didn’t want it getting dirty when I took him behind the dumpster so I made him take it off. The end.

That sort of thing will give me daydreams for a month, damnmit! So I must steel myself against these diversions and stay true to my goal. I mean when New Moon comes out am I going to skip work for a week so I can hole up and watch the movie 10 times, break it down LTT Vanity Fair Style? Most likely yes, but I will do it in moderation so it can not be called an obsession, but a mere hobby. Semantics folks, semantics!

So in order to be prepared for these diversions (like when more pictures of Rob come out later today) I need to have a plan. I did some googling to see what was out on the web for overcoming your life consuming addiction with Twilight. Lots of suggestions for finding a replacement series – like Harry Potter – but I’m not quite ready for that. Many addicts seem to find that they try, but they either have to go cold turkey (turning their backs on all things Twilight) or fail miserably and return to their crack at the mere mention of new set pics (I fear this will be me in a short week).

I found this  site and thought what the hell? It’s worth a try and I can document my progress against this. If the hubby sees that I am actually trying and have a plan, he’s more likely to be patient with my progress.

Step 1 – find another interest or hobby to keep your mind off the Twilight world. 

Does this blog count? It’s about the healing process, people, and that is helpful!

Step 2 – Reduce the time you spend online searching for Twilight related stuff.

All of my Twilight blogs come to me via Google reader and I don’t actually have to go searching. So in fact I already have this one down, right?

Step 3 – Hide your Twilight books and try another series.

Here they go with the Harry Potter series again.  So I am sure they are great books and that someday I will read them, but is there really any comparison to dreaming about Rob vs. Daniel?

rob vs. daniel

Step 4 – Get those people around you to stop talking about Twilight all day.

I don’t know if this is the saddest part, but I am a total closet Twilighter. I mean some friends know I enjoy me some Twilight. I have even confessed the fanfic reading to others. But no one knows the extent to which my obsession consumes me. So, again, this shouldn’t be a problem because there isn’t anyone around me that’s talking to me about it.

Step 5 – Stop buying gossip mags with the cast in them.

You know this one won’t be so bad because usually other fans scan the pics in and post on their site. I can do this one. Except if there is another GQ article or something similar. I mean girl has her limits, you know?

Step 6 – Just persevere for as long as you have to and you will defeat your obsession – trust me, I know. I went through the same addiction. You just need to keep reminding yourself that, no matter how amazing they may be and how much you dream of finding one, vampires like Edward do not exist. There is no point in sitting on your bed at night, staring out your window, waiting for Edward Cullen to creep in. It just won’t happen, because every single Twilight character is a fictional person. Now, you don’t have to end up hating Twilight. It is possible to, like I did, change your whole view on Twilight by turning it into something you simply enjoy reading, just like any other fantasy book. Make sure you don’t get so drawn in that you end up believing every word. It is purely fictional. Remember that.

Ok, so maybe this won’t work for me at all. I mean I don’t actually want Edward to come into my life. I mean, shoot, I have a husband and kids. That would be messy and bad. But I like the diversion of the story and the blogs and the fanfic and the movies and the cast pics. I just gotta keep it in check so the hubby doesn’t feel as neglected as he has for the past few months. Sheesh he’s such a baby!