Stalker following your boyfriend? Get Jacob Black on the case.

June 25, 2009

So, you may be thinking that I was a little too hard on Jacob on my last post. Maybe I was, but singing his praises is for another post. In fact, I have  bit more to get off my chest about Jacob and how he defines EPIC FAIL.


epic fail 1Chastity ring

First, he falls in love with a virgin who has basically made a chastity pledge. Then he gets blatently used by her as the platonic rebound for his bike fixin’ skillz but he is so blinded by her ordinary looks, raggedy sweatpants and puffy eyes that he can’t see it. Then he gets cockteased by her incessantly. I mean I know that I totally hold my guy friends hand and cuddle with them and then say I just want to be friends. You too, right?

And then what about this? He is always hot and sweaty. Normally I would love this in a guy: HUGE and hot and sweaty. I mean what girl would be turned off by that? But then, I think about his wig in New Moon. And how he smells like a (wet) dog. So he’s stinky and not in that good English boy who likes to have a couple of Heineys and cigges kind of way.

And he eats a lot and fast. Scarfs it down. Shovels it in. You know what that means, right? Gas. Stinky dog gas. He probably gives Bella a dutch oven or two when they are cuddling under the covers fully clothed while studying.

And then there’s this. Jacob = biggest cockblock of all time. Yeah, you heard me right. Bigger than Officers Slater and Michaels cockblocking McLovin’. 


In fact, he’s the kind of cockblock that a guy’d pick for his wingman and then he’d ask him if that case of the crabs cleared up while he then tries to move in to hit on his lady. I’m surprised he didn’t try to mark Bella by peeing on her when he danced with her at the wedding just so Edward would be so disgusted by the smell of it he wouldn’t do the deed. Think about it. He’s so blueballed about the whole Bella thing that he completely derails Edward and Bella every chance he gets. WTF is up with that?

Ok, maybe now I’ve been too hard on Jacob. That’s what she said.

 Let me make it up to Taylor, though?


Taylor Lautner - New Moon wig + steroids = Jailbait hotness

Taylor Lautner - New Moon wig + steroids = Jailbait hotness


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