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You know you may be too far gone when…

June 30, 2009

Ok, so I know I’m a bit Judgy McJudgerson of Twi-sessions (mostly my own) but I can’t help escape the feeling that any day now the guys in white suits are going to roll up in front of my house for me. And I will not even question it.

 This blog actually started out as a way to document the end of my Twilight Obsession. And now I am claiming it’s an outlet for my Twi-session (To the hubs. Who is officially suspicious that the obsession is going nowhere.) But I think at times, it actually propels me further into batsh*t crazy territory.

 Case in point – I went to a 90 min seminar today and spent the entire time thinking about this:

So flippin' distractin

So flippin' distracting

More specifically this:

this!

Thinking about my hand on it. Thinking about how that could morph into some version of Chapter 23 in I Love LA. Thinking about how I could get the hubs to act out that chapter at home. Thinking I will have to start keeping extra panties in my drawer at work now.

 

 Exhibit 2 – My daughter, who mind you is not even officially a toddler yet, sees me looking at Rob pictures online the other day, points to one and yells “Daddy!!!” No honey, thank god. The hubs is actually a great daddy and I certainly wouldn’t trade him in for Rob. But I wouldn’t mind trying to make babies with Rob.

 

Exhibit 3 – I am constantly trying to identify other Twi-hards

are you a twi-hard

I’m like an undercover Twi-detective with really bad Twi-dar because I never actually find any in real life.

I went to a family reunion this weekend and zoned out thinking which one of my aunts or cousins could possibly be into it. I kept waiting for someone to bring it up, but the only good topic was The Hangover.

I am going to the NKOTB concert tomorrow night (Hello! MILFCon!) I wonder if Donnie was the inspiration for Edward's hair? and think there will have to be some fellow Twi-hards there. You think my high school girlfriends would be pissed if I ditch them for some new friends? I mean I did ask if they have yet read Twilight and there wasn’t much interest.

 

Exhibit 4 – I am avoiding people.

The other day I walked up to the flavia machine at work and instead of getting my cup of coffee, I set it down and headed to the ladies room. Why? Because the guy who was already there is a total chatter box. And his 30 min of chitty chatting about his son and how he can read and play hockey (ad nasuem) really hinders my morning google reader session of all my favorite Twi-blogs.

Also? Instead of going out for a bite with some girlfriends the other night, I went to see The Proposal. Alone. In the hopes of seeing the New Moon preview. Epic fail on my part. No New Moon trailer. And besides the slight eye candy that is Ryan Reynolds – not much of a movie.

 

Exhibit 5 – I can relate to at least 99 of the 100 Twitarded ways Twilight has changed my life .

This, though? This I am proud of! Because there are a ton of other Twi-hards (or should I call us Twi-tards?) that are totally crazy, obsessed, whateveryouwannacallit about Twilight so even if that van pulls up for me, I know there will be some fellow Twi-hard/tards in there already. 

And being in the nut house will give me so much more time to devote to my Twi-session. Booyah!

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Stalker following your boyfriend? Get Jacob Black on the case.

June 25, 2009

So, you may be thinking that I was a little too hard on Jacob on my last post. Maybe I was, but singing his praises is for another post. In fact, I have  bit more to get off my chest about Jacob and how he defines EPIC FAIL.

 

epic fail 1Chastity ring

First, he falls in love with a virgin who has basically made a chastity pledge. Then he gets blatently used by her as the platonic rebound for his bike fixin’ skillz but he is so blinded by her ordinary looks, raggedy sweatpants and puffy eyes that he can’t see it. Then he gets cockteased by her incessantly. I mean I know that I totally hold my guy friends hand and cuddle with them and then say I just want to be friends. You too, right?

And then what about this? He is always hot and sweaty. Normally I would love this in a guy: HUGE and hot and sweaty. I mean what girl would be turned off by that? But then, I think about his wig in New Moon. And how he smells like a (wet) dog. So he’s stinky and not in that good English boy who likes to have a couple of Heineys and cigges kind of way.

And he eats a lot and fast. Scarfs it down. Shovels it in. You know what that means, right? Gas. Stinky dog gas. He probably gives Bella a dutch oven or two when they are cuddling under the covers fully clothed while studying.

And then there’s this. Jacob = biggest cockblock of all time. Yeah, you heard me right. Bigger than Officers Slater and Michaels cockblocking McLovin’. 

mclovin

In fact, he’s the kind of cockblock that a guy’d pick for his wingman and then he’d ask him if that case of the crabs cleared up while he then tries to move in to hit on his lady. I’m surprised he didn’t try to mark Bella by peeing on her when he danced with her at the wedding just so Edward would be so disgusted by the smell of it he wouldn’t do the deed. Think about it. He’s so blueballed about the whole Bella thing that he completely derails Edward and Bella every chance he gets. WTF is up with that?

Ok, maybe now I’ve been too hard on Jacob. That’s what she said.

 Let me make it up to Taylor, though?

 

Taylor Lautner - New Moon wig + steroids = Jailbait hotness

Taylor Lautner - New Moon wig + steroids = Jailbait hotness

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Let me make it loud and clear

June 23, 2009

If for some reason I have not made it abundantly clear, let me make it so – I am unconditionally and irrevocably on Team Edward.

Don’t get me wrong, I liked Jacob (emphasis on the liked, as in past tense). In the movie, he seemed like a cute and sweet guy. I had actually seen him in Shark Boy and Lava Girl so was familiar with his body of work. Then I read Twilight and pretty much liked him throughout. And for the majority of New Moon, he was caring, warm and there. I mean he wasn’t Edward, but he was a really supportive friend. And Edward left. So, yeah, Bella’s gotta hit what she can get. And Jacob is pretty much trying every which way he can to tap that. And I was semi-ok with that.

Until the phone call. And then I wanted Jacob to back the f*ck off. I wanted to tell him to take his half breed ass and hike it back to La Push, baby and forget he ever knew Bella. Jacob needed to go back to his mutt pack and imprint on some Forks high chicka or someone from the Rez.

Yes, my alliances do turn so quickly.

And from that point forward, Jacob was the annoying eyelash growing straight into your eye that you just can’t get out. He grated on me. I couldn’t stand his antics. And he is a total pedophile to boot.

So imagine my horror when I saw this:

Get your hot dog eating, grubby sweatpants wearing, awful wig having dick grabbers off of Bella!

Get your hot dog eating, grubby sweatpants wearing, awful wig having dick grabbers off of Bella!

 

My inner fangirl was screaming at the top of her lungs. No. F-ing. Way. What the shiz is up with this? Who would think this would be a good idea? Then it occured to me: those marketing folks – they know their fanbase. The Team Edwards will buy one because they will be so pissed they will want to remind themselves of the horror that could have been. The Team Jacobs will rejoice in their favored lovers claim of his first true love. Damn those marketers to hell, I say!

I doubt I will fork up the money for this copy anytime soon. It’s such a misrepresentation. And the two of them look like they are about to rub wolf bits to lady parts, which gives me the willies.

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Coming to terms

June 23, 2009

In my real life (you know, the one that doesn’t even acknowledge Twilight exists, Rob Pattinson is unheard of and the Cullen coven is the figment of Stephenie Meyers fantastic imagination) there is very little opportunity for me to discuss Twilight/Rob. I have a parallel life to the Twilight one and it includes mundane things that have been ignored since I met Edward.

When he and I first met, it was at a girl’s night and he was being portrayed by some guy I couldn’t name. Little did I expect that the Twilight spell would be cast on me and only me. Even the friend who brought the movie over was not much more than vaguely interested when I mentioned I read the books the following week. What is a newbie Twi-hard to do?

I mean, as I may have mentioned, I am no tween. I dare say I’m no longer in my twenties (unless thirty is still the new twenty, right?). So, it’s not like I could just go hang out in Hot Topic trying to meet some fellow fans there (and to be honest, I doubt I would’ve been so bold  as to stand at the Twilight perfume section of the store just waiting for someone else in a Twilight tee-shirt to walk up. Even at the height of my tween awkwardness).

At one point, I did try to commiserate with my 10 year old neice, who is more of a blip on the Twi-dar (she’s read Twilight and seen the movie but couldn’t get into New Moon). In fact, when we were at the pool on Saturday I asked her if she knew who’s birthday it was. When she said, “Who?” I replied, “Edward Mason Cullen” and she rolled her eyes into the back of her head. I thought she was going into a convulsion being ZOMG, really? But no, her eyes came right back down and she kind of laughed at me in that, you are my crazy aunt, right? kind of way.

K, so clearly no support of my Twi-session.

Thankfully, this girls got mad internet skillz (i.e. I typed Twilight into google/imdb.com and hit enter) and thank god there are so many fans out there that are not tweens, which makes a thirtysomething girl feel much less alone in the world. I mean thank god for that or maybe I would be a batsh*t crazy fan who talked to Rob’s voice in my head and called him Edward.

But, wait a second. What if I was BSC? How would that roll?

Me: Are you there Edward? It’s me SaritaPagita. I am having a hard time concentrating on much more than my Twi-session. I mean it’s great fun, but I feel guilty about it. What should I do?

Edward (in Rob’s voice): I think I should leave as I am causing you pain. I can see that I am too dangerous for you. It will be as if I never existed.

Me: WTF? No, Edward, wha? No, you can’t, you won’t…

Edward: There, there.

Sha, right. Nice try. If only it were so easy to break the addiction. I keep trying. I unsubscribe to my fave blogs in google reader. I un-follow my fave fans on twitter. I put the books away, I say I’m not going to watch the movie.

And then about 5 minutes later, my skin starts crawling. I break out into a sweat. And I say, ok, one little peak won’t kill me. And I check a site for new pics. And holy mother of god, there they are. Fresh out of the oven. Steamy hot pics of Rob that have me derailed again.

rob 062209-1

Maybe some day, I’ll just give into this. It’ll save me the 10 minutes of agony every other day and embrace my love of Rob-light.

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What will the future hold?

June 20, 2009
As we are all well aware, Rob is so totally at the height of it.  Teenage girls following his every move, jobs lining up for him left and right, sweeping the MTV movie awards. Think NKOTB right after ‘The Right Stuff’, BSB in their heyday, Brittany circa 2007.
He’s got the paps following him all over the place, crazy’s lurking around the setand is pretty much recognized where ever he goes. Even with the hoodie and glasses. Or the lobster hat.
But what if this is it? (*shudder*) What if he gets sick of this sh*t and says f*ck it? Forget acting. Forget my fans. What if he does go into hiding after all this attention and moves from the Heines to Jack, writing sad songs all day and chain smoking? And then resurfaces on his own VH-1 reality show 20 years later called ‘Vampires of Love’?
Rob wit' his hos

Rob wit' his hos

It scares me, people. To think I may not get my daily dose of him. No pictures of him on the beach, no stories of him getting clipped by cabs, no media frezies about who he’s shacking up with. Gone.
For awhile, I could live off of the million pics out there. But they’ll get old. And then someday, I will move on. Maybe re-enter my life (like I should already be doing…damn this Twilight obsession!). And then slowly he will fade out of my fantasies memory. Then one day, maybe 20 years from now, when the Twilight saga money has run out, he would resurface. And I shudder to think that this is what he will look like.
Is this what Rob will look like in 40 yrs?
Is this what Rob will look like in 20 yrs?

History does not have many good examples of this working out well.

The original vampire heart throbs

Exhibits 1 & 2 - The original vampire heart throbs

These guys had a good run back in the day. The Lost Boys  brought them to the cover of Teen Beat every week.  I had their posters plastered all over my walls. Then License to Drive brought them even more tween fans. And one more film together (Dream a Little Dream – which I loved and watched about 10 times at the theater) before they fell into obscurity only then to re-emerge as boozed up, crack whores looking for a job.

Exhibit 4

Exhibit 3

Need I say more? Really, this fantastic superstar of my youth turned bad plastic surgery/pedophile is almost the bottom of the washed up celebrity barrel. RIP MJ, RIP.
Exhibit 4

Exhibit 4

And here is the bottom. Look at that cute face, you could see the hope and future oozing out of her freckles. But mix a pushy stage mom, lots of underage drinking, fake boobs and cameras and you get a girl out of work, passing out in cars looking like she got into a fight with the crack pipe.
But there are a couple of good role models for him. People he can look to for guidance. That haven’t totally shunned the spotlight. That work it with grace. And all one may or may not have been on my freebie list at one point in time.
Yes, Derek taylor was a jerk, but I was still in love with him.

Yes, Derek Taylor was a jerk, but I was still in love with him.

Jason Bateman. Yes, he grew up well. He was in Juno (love!). He was in Arrested Development (love. love. love!). And he lives a normal, adult actor’s life.
Yummy then, DILF now

Yummy then, DILF now

Ok, minus the whole hooking up with another woman on set while you are currently married thing. Brad has endured the spotlight well. He gets great roles, seems happy and honestly, is even hotter now than he was back when he was a cowgirl hat wearing, gun slinging, shirtless hick in Thelma and Louise.
What Rob should aspire to

What Rob should aspire to

I mean really? The perennial bachelor, the philanthropic, the producer/actor, the ability to charm through the TV so that I am a little hot just looking at him. This is where I want to see Rob in 20 years. Single, hot and getting the paps to take pictures of him shirtless cruising for ladies in his boat on Lake Como.
So what’s my point? Rob – don’t change. don’t go into hiding. stay a-dork-able. K?
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Calling all the crazies

June 16, 2009

 Since you don’t seem to know who you are – let me just break it down for you. This applies to all the batsh*t crazy fans who may think that Rob is Edward Cullen. Who think that if you tackle him on the set of his current movie, he is going to stop and ask you for your number. WTF? Seriously?

 

Yes, crazy fangirls, this represents your level of crazy

Yes, crazy fangirls, this represents your level of crazy

I mean I can totally accept this behavior in 14 year olds. I was there once – with NKOTB. In fact I toured around Missouri with my 5 closest friends and one mom in a Civic one summer following them from six flags, to the state fair, back to six flags. We stood out in the rain and heat for 12+ hours to get a good seat so they would see us. Because we knew that as soon as they saw us it would be love at first sight for them. See the crazy? So I totally get it if you’re 14. 

On the other hand, if you are over 16, you should know better. You want to push him into hiding like Johnny Depp? He seems to already have tendencies for being a loner and staying out of the spotlight. Going on a crazy fangirl rampage isn’t doing anyone any good. Oh sure, you’ll have your stories to go back and tell. And then that’s it. It’ll be your claim to fame. Forever.

These beotches are at the pinnacle of their lives. It's all downhill from here.

These beotches are at the pinnacle of their lives. It's all downhill from here.

 Don’t get me wrong, all of us Twi lovers are a little crazy in our own Twi-loving way. You can’t be obsessed with something and not be a little crazy for it. However, there are acceptable levels of  interest and there are batsh*t levels of crazy. Not sure where you reside? Let me break it down for you so you can judge yourself based on the highest level that applies to you:

Level 1 – Seems normal to me

 You don’t even register on the Twidar. You may be reading a book in the series and maybe have been having issues with focusing on other things. But at the end of the series you put it down and move on to something else. Like Harry Potter or Percy Jackson and The Olympians Series. You may even see the movie on DVD. But the key here is that you walk away. I know many a girl like you and I almost wish I could be like you. Those of you at this level aren’t ‘not crazy’. You save the crazy for your brand of heroin. Unfortunately for me, Twilight is my own personal brand of heroin.

There is a serious jump in my book for anyone beyond level 1. Those in level 1 probably won’t get the rest of this, so you can go back to looking a pictures of Daniel Radcliffe shirtless.

I'm just not seeing it.

I'm just not seeing it.

 Level 2 – Slight addict

 You’ve read the series more that once. You’ve seen the movie multiple times. You read the Twi news and blogs daily. But the key here is that this is where it ends. You have other hobbies in your life. You watch other movies. Your youtube and google searches and rss feeds do not center around Twi-news.

 

This picture may make you hot, but you were not caught licking your computer screen at work when seeing it for the first time.

This picture may make you hot, but you were not caught licking your computer screen at work when seeing it for the first time.

Level 3 – Pleasantly eccentric

 You have the Edward doll. You take pictures with him. You may even take videos with said Edward doll. It’s all in good fun and no one is getting hurt.

 

Noooo! Edward that's my cat, not a mountain lion!

Noooo! Edward that's my cat, not a mountain lion!

Level 4 – Drunk on Rob’s scent

You have a blog dedicated to something Twilight. You update it frequently. You check the hits and the comments daily.

 Has anyone told you that you need to simmer down on the Twi obsession? No? I guess the only person who knows of my love of Twi/Rob isn’t as supportive as yours.

 This is clearly the line I am drawing in the sand and I stand on the more sane side of it. I have not yet graduate past this point. I am teetering on the edge but holding strong thanks to the eyeopening shenanigans of you know who.

Level 5 – Frothing at the mouth

 You’ve made a video slideshow to a your own song. 

You’ve made your own Twilight/Pattinson gear that you wear in public. You make fan art and it may or may not be good.

Is the handmade Twilight purse really necessary with the tee shirt?

Is the handmade Twilight purse really necessary with the tee shirt?

Your grasp on reality has weakened. What once was a fun hobby turned slightly unhealthy obsession has now taken a nose dive into bird sh*t crazy land. This level is a gateway drug to level 7.

 

Level 6 – Talking back to Rob’s voice in your head

 You think Rob is Edward Cullen. Or is like him. Or that Edward Cullen and you will someday meet/get married/have vampy babes. (sh*t ain’t going to happen peeps)

 edward cullen 1

This brings us to the summit of loony. Beyond wacko, past cuckoo for cocoa puffs. To the mother-load of unhinged obsession.

Level 7 – Batsh*t crazy.

 

The worst part about this is that he is being such a nice guy and smiling through it all.

The worst part about this is that he is being such a nice guy and smiling through it all.

You’ve attacked him. In the streets of NYC. Wearing your handmade Twilight paraphernalia. And took a picture of it. With your camera phone that has Rob/Edward as the wallpaper. To later post in a slideshow video to the song you wrote about Rob/Edward. On your blog dedicated to Twilight.

You are screwing it up for the rest of us. Those of us who want to drool at pics of him as he walks down the street. Playing the air guitar and smokes ciggys. We won’t get any more smiling pics of Rob with you hysterial sluts.

All I can say is back off. I think Zac Efron is missing a few fans and could really use you right about now.

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If I can’t have him, nobody can.

June 15, 2009

Um, well not really. I am not batsh*t crazy like some other fans out there (you don’t know who you are). But it would help me let go a little bit if I saw pictures of Rob smiling with someone.

While there is a lot of speculation going on lately about Rob and Kristen (are they or aren’t they?!?) that’s not who I’m thinking would fit the purpose (even though my fave bloggers are currently in litigation about it).

Ok! says it's true, so it's gotta be, right?

 So I have decided that instead of wondering if he’s with her or not (because I kind of hope not…see below for my rationale on that), I think it’d be fun to tell Rob who he should date. I know that he has certain preferences:

 Must be someone born before 1988

Should be musically inclined and have decent taste in literature

Needs to be ok with the grunge factor (smoking, drinking, unkempt hair/clothes)

I’m sure there are others, but let’s go with that for now huh?

 And since I am already taken (though Rob is on my freebie list just in case) I thought I would offer him a list of other ladies that I would be ok with him dating.

 

Natalie Portman

 

Girl shaved her head in V for Vendetta. You've gotta give her props for that...

Girl shaved her head in V for Vendetta. You've gotta give her props for that...

She meets all the criteria. There have even been some gossipy rumors they were together and I think she is sweet, talented and gorgeous. Did you see her in the short right before The Darjeeling Limited? Yea, that should pretty much seal the deal for him. She is confident and could help him out of his awkwardness (in a good way). But she may be a bit too….I don’t know…something for him. Sweet? Charming? Not sure. Maybe I should have heron my freebie list..jk!

 

Ashley Greene

All in the family

All in the family

Yea, I know it would be a creepy pick if they were actually related, but they aren’t, so moving on. First, she seems to get him. She feels his pain being in the ultra limelight and dealing with screaming Twi fans. Second, have you seen her? Gorgeous! I mean I would kill for her legs! Does she meet the criteria? Not sure, but I haven’t heard her talk about much besides Rob and Kstew because no one will ask her anything else.

 

Kiera Knightly

Also speaks the Queens english

Also speaks the Queens English

 Not sure what makes me think this one, but she is also from the UK. She is in one of my other fave movies (Pride and Prejudice. I. KNOW. Please don’t judge).

 Ellen Page

 

You could be Juno's baby daddy, Rob

You could be Juno's baby daddy, Rob

She was Juno. She is sweet. She is humble (like Rob). She is a little bit awkward too.

 

 But really, who would I choose? If it were up to me? If Rob called and asked in his swoon worthy British accent? After he asked me out and I had to say no (because I am married and already used the freebie card that one night)?

Elizabeth Reaser

 

If being a mother lover is wrong, Rob shouldn't want to be right

If being a mother lover is wrong, Rob doesn't want to be right

So not only am I picking this because it’s her bday today nor because she is dangerously close the same age as me (and therefore if they get together I feel less like a baby cougar?), but also because she is so potentially perfect for him. Rob is shy, awkward, dorky, etc. and she seems confident, real and down to earth. When you mix all that together, I think you get Valentine Pineapple Pairs.

While we are on this topic of who Rob is or isn’t with, let’s just go to the dark side for a moment. Who I would be really sad to see him with:

Paris Hilton

Botox much?

Botox much?

Can I just say EW? And it is so never going to happen. She is a pap-ho and he clearly has no need for it. I am sure she thinks he is as hot as we do, but c’mon. Her intentions are not good.

 KStew 

Though she does get the grunge thing...

Though she does get the grunge thing...

I can see the appeal. She is really beautiful; she is very down to earth. But c’mon. She is a teenager still. She picked schmootz out of his teeth. And the hair is a bit sicknast sometimes.

 Megan Fox

She does bring the sex, but it seems that's about it.

She does bring the sex, but it seems that's about it.

Do you know how hard it was for me to find a picture of her that didn’t look like she was posing for Hustler? I’m just saying. She is hot in a high maintenance way, but she oozes too much cool, all I want is to be sexy, shielded apathy for Rob. Rob is like the other side of that coin in a good way.

 

Good luck Rob. My work is done here.

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